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Sunday, August 08, 2004

Yep, it's me. Who were you expecting?

The hippy's at work, it's the middle of the night, again. There's not a lot to do, which is why I have the time to do a spot of blogging.

I'm a bit down tonight, more than a bit really. I'd say I'm bordering on slightly depressed actually.

I've been avoiding personal subjects here for the last month or so, family stuff especially. The truth is, I don't really have a family anymore. There, I said it.

My parents are a lost cause, my father is barely hanging on, my mother is impossible to understand. It was my dad's birthday a few days ago, I didn't even telephone. What's the point of saying "happy birthday" when happiness is not on the agenda?

I didn't phone my mother this week either. The last time I spoke to her, she was just too upset and I hardly understood anything she said. I know I've gone on (and on) about how I'm letting them down, but that doesn't make it any easier. Right now, I don't even know if I will ever phone them again. My mother can call me if she wants, but I don't see any point in initiating any more conversation.

It's really doing my head in. I haven't spoken to my dad since father's day, and that was a 15 second conversation. My mother just cries. I'm scum.

I've also lost my younger brother this month. He's cut me out of his life, without explanation. I've not written much about him in the past and I'm treading lightly around the subject now. Our last conversation was just over a month ago.

I'm not going to give you his life story, that's down to him to do. He hasn't had an easy life. He has problems, both physical and mental. About 5 years ago, he spent several months in the hospital being treated. He was lucky to survive.

I don't know exactly what's going on with him, but I think he is either on the verge, or in the middle of some kind of break-down. The last time he was ill, I was there for him in every possible way. When he was released from the hospital, he even stayed with me and Mrs. Hippy for a month.

I'm not saying I'm some kind of hero, but I helped him as best I could. He even said that if it wasn't for me, he probably would not have survived.

He's gone now too. He doesn't want anything to do with me. Of course, I'm hurt by this, but what can I do? This came totally out of the blue, it was unexpected as something like this can be. He's in serious decline, that much can't be denied, but there is sweet fuck-all I can do about.

So there you have it, three members of my immediate family, all out of my grasp. They are all as good as dead for all practical purposes. Thank god I've still got Mrs. Hippy, or I would be totally alone.

I'm also down because Big Brother has finished. I know, I know, that sounds ridiculous, but I am always a bit low at the end of a BB series. I guess this shows you how empty my life really is. I didn't particularly like any of the contestants that much, but I still miss their presence in the house.

I think the BB format is great, it's as pure as tv gets. The producers got it right this year, the right balance of housemates, the right tone, everything about this series was spot-on.

It was touching to see how emotional Nadia was at winning. I could care less that she is a transexual, but she wasn't my favourite HM. None of them were actually, so it didn't matter to me who won it. This is the first year I didn't cast a single vote.

If it was up to me, I would lock them all in house and just keep them there, all the time. Then there would always be something to watch, or read about online.

So there you have it, I'm depressed about my family, and I am depressed about BB finishing. How can I even compare the two? I'm not sure myself, but I know how I feel. Certainly I miss my family in a deeper, more personal way than I miss Big Brother. Comparing the two is actually quite trite of me, but it's where I'm at right now. I feel pretty empty really, hollow, like a void, a deep chasm.

There's nothing I can do about any of it. I can't help my parents or my brother any more than I could convince the BB HMs to move back into the house. I'm helpless and hopeless and lost in my own bullshit.

I wish I could fix it all, I wish I could make it all better. But I can't, so I'll just soldier on as best I can. What else can I do?
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