VISIT THE HIPPY'S NEW SITE: www.northlondonhippy.com Spend some time chilling out with the hippy...He used to be "the most shroomtastic stoner on the internet!" until the UK banned fresh magic mushrooms. He's still "the biggest internet celebrity you've never heard of!" He'll make you laugh, he'll make you think...he'll make you wish you were a hippy too!

Friday, September 17, 2004

ASS BOMBS!

You won't see that on any colour coded warning in the U Ess of Ayyyy! And no, the hippy hasn't lost his mind, well not completely anyway. I'll return to ASS BOMBS shortly.

I'm not actually in London right now. I did mention in my last entry that I would have limited net access, that's why. Right now, I'm sitting in a tiny net cafe, in a warm and sunny climate, blogging my life away. For an hour. For six euros. I'm a big spender.

I'm staying in a lovely place, very non-hippy-like in that it's a five-star luxury resort hotel. Me, Mrs. Hippy and a load of vaguely wealthy, vaguely European tourists. German, Dutch, French, Austrian, Russian and even a few Brits and damn they are all annoying. Mrs. Hippy's at the beach, swimming in the warm blue water. Being short and fat means I'm not much for swimming, though I've been known to take the odd dip to cool off.

It's our first holiday in a couple of years thanks to my extended streak of non-employment. Yes, I'm finding it relaxing and I've already read 7 and a 1/2 of the 10 books I brought with me. It doesn't matter how many books I bring on vacation, I always run out.

I'm a voracious reader and I'm hoovering the words up as fast and as furious as George W (for Wanker) Bush used to snort cocaine. Allegedly. I never saw him do it myself, but then when I lived in America, we moved in different circles. I did my cocaine with normal people, not the rich and powerful ruling classes. Wish I did, bet their blow was better than anything I was getting back in the hedonistic 80's.

ASS BOMBS! Ok, ok, I'm coming to that.

Recall Richard Reid. He is known as the "shoe bomber", though in fact the "non-shoe bomber" would be far more accurate. His device didn't work, but thanks to him, you need to reveal your cheesy stinking feet at the airport everytime you pass through security. His failed plot to take an aircraft out of the sky is why we all have to remove our shoes whenver we wish to board a plane.

What's that have to do with ASS BOMBS I can hear you ask? You must have loud thoughts, because I can hear you all the way in paradise. I'm getting to that.

Suppose, for the sake of this theory that Al Qaeda constructed a device so sinister and devious that it could be easily carried through any checkpoint at any airport in the world. Yes, I'm talking about the ASS BOMB! Finally.

Suppose you took a tubular piece of plastic and hollowed it out, then filled it with explosives. A dildo would work, though I expect fundaMENTALIST Muslims might find something in the shape of a big plastic cock not exactly to their liking. Anyway, say you made this device, lubed it up and inserted into your anus.

Not you, but a committed terrorist, unless you are a committed terrorist, in which case why are you reading my blog? I hate you and would kill you with my bare fucking hands given the chance. I really would. Drop by north London sometime you fucking murderer and I'll show you.

Anyway, the terrorist lubes up his ASS BOMB and slips it where the sun don't shine. He passes through the security check point and hey presto, he's on your plane.

Now, once he's on the plane, there's no rush. Once you reach cruising altitude, it's just a question of slipping into the toilet and extracting the device. Wipe off the shit, light the fuse and BANG no more plane.

Of course, these terrorists aren't that clever. If they were, they wouldn't be terrorists, would they? They'd be selling insurance, doing the books at a medium-sized business, or serving you a whopper, but they're not. They're trying to kill you.

What this terrorist with the ASS BOMB didn't account for was ASS JUICE, which has now coated the fused on the device. It won't light, no matter how hard he tries, it's just too damp. Those same smoke detectors on planes that prevent you from lighting-up in the bog on a plane would eventually go off and he would be caught red (or brown) handed.

Now, this is where it gets interesting. They've caught that ASS BOMBer and uncovered his plot. The authorities won't know how many of these cunning devices have been constructed. They won't trigger any metal detectors, they won't even set off the explosive detectors because the fumes would be trapped up the terrorists ass. Unless he farted, but if he avoided cabbage and hummus for 24 hours before the flight, ass gas would not be a problem. So if you can't catch them through security, what do you do?

There is only one answer, a new level of security would have to be created to fight the scourge of the ASS BOMB. That's right, drop 'em, spread your cheeks and let security peer up your rectum with a flash light. It would be the only way to remain safe.

Now, just imagine if EVERYONE who wished to travel on a commercial aircraft had to suffer the indignity of a rectal examine everytime they wanted to board a plane. Even the rich cunts in first class. I hate to fly anyway, I imagine this would not make me relish the prospect even more. I think it would put off more than a few people actually.

But what choice would they have? An ASS BOMB could kill hundreds of people on a jumbo jet, not to mention those on the ground, should it be set off over a populated area. Isn't a rectal examine just a small price to pay to keep our airline industry safe? You take off your shoes, don't you? I bet your ass doesn't smell that much worse than your feet!

And think of the poor security staff that would have to provide the exams. They have enough trouble recruiting people for these lowly paid positions. What if they had to look at people's puckered prunes all day. Some people aren't that clean, I expect there would be more than a few cling-on's in your line of sight. I'm even grossing myself out with that one.

So remember, the hippy warned you first! Beware of the ASS BOMBS! Tom Ridge, are you listening? Time to go to code-red!!!

Tomorrow marks the 6 month anniversary of the northlondonhippy blog. Amazing my limited attention span has lasted as long as it has, with no end in site. This entry is my 99th! How's that for a statistic? Can I get a superdooper yippppppeeee for the hippy? Of course I can!

I'll be back when I can, keep on groovin'! And watch out for those ASS BOMBS!
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