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Sunday, October 17, 2004
I'm sitting here thinking, my thoughts are dark. I wonder about the future, my future. My past has never been an indication of things to come.
I'm feeling down, feeling lost, feeling like my feet don't really reach the ground.
I've surfed all my usual sites, read all of Sunday's newspapers and needless to say, I've completed all my work as well.
If you watch a clock closely enough, you can actually slow it down. I can feel time turning to treacle, all thick and sticky and just barely moving.
My father has been very much on my mind. I've been thinking about the last time I saw him, over 2 years ago.
It was just before I left to fly back to London. This was only a couple of months after my mother had her stroke, she was still in re-hab at the time.
I remember pushing my mother's wheelchair to the reception area of the facility, my father was there too. He came outside when my older half-brother came to collect me. He watched me load my suitcase into the car, he gave me a hug and I was on my way.
I didn't know that day it would be the last time I would see my dad. You never know these things at the time. I remember my eyes welling up with tears as we drove out of the carpark, perhaps part of me knew it would be the last time.
Whenever I saw my parents, goodbyes were always handled as if they were the last visit. It was a theme in my melodramatic family. That time, it proved to be true.
Now my father is gone and I'll never see him again. I miss him. A lot.
These are not thoughts I should be allowing myself to have while at work. I get too emotional.
What's it like for other people? I wonder about that a lot, what's it like inside someone else's head. Do people's thought processes mirror mine or is my mind unique? They say no 2 people respond to the same situation in the same way, but is that really true.
What's it like inside your mind? Are your thoughts cluttered? Do they flow rapidly like mine? I think that's why I smoke so much dope, to slow my mind down so I can make more sense of life.
Life doesn't really make sense to me at all. It's just so damn pointless. Most of us sleepwalk through it anyway, myself included.
When you are aware of time, it certainly slows down, but the reverse is true as well. When you forget about time, when you don't pay attention, then it flies by rapidly.
Have you ever blinked and realised an entire month or year has just disappeared? Sometimes I think the last 20 years have done just that. There's no second chance, once time goes, you don't get it back.
They say as you get older, time moves more quickly. I'm finding that's so.
When I was a kid, summer vacation from school was 10 weeks long. I can remember thinking that was such a long time. Now, ten weeks is nothing; ten weeks is a flash of lightening. Years don't seem to last as long as they used to, even though they're made up of the same number of 24 hour days. It's my perception that's changed.
Most people my age have either attained their goals or given up trying. You'd think with everything I've been through in the last few years, my spirit would be crushed, my dreams dashed. You'd be wrong.
I still have hopes and desires that I wish to fufill one day. I may not always be working towards them, but I haven't given them up.
But time is working against me, my mortality is more than just an abstract concept. I can genuinely feel in my bones that time is not my friend.
What's a hippy to do? I wish I knew.
Don't give up on my dreams, keep hoping tomorrow will be better, fool myself in a million different ways that there really is some point to it all. That's kept me going this long, why give up on it now?