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Thursday, December 30, 2004

Ok, I'm here. I shouldn't actually be here. I should be elsewhere. Elsewhere wasn't possible, although I very nearly made it. It wasn't for lack of trying, because I was trying hard to be elsewhere.

I'm one crazeeee hippy.

I had a good old-fashioned mini-freak out today. It wasn't pleasant, I'm not sure what's up with my shit. I was suppose to accompany Mrs. H to her parents' house for New Year's Eve, but I didn't quite make it.

I think my life is finally catching up with me. I think I let all the stress of the last year, which I'd been keeping wrapped up pretty tight, right out of the box today. It wasn't just today, I've been fairly highly strung for the last couple of days. Those feelings crested today, just like an Asian tsunami, wiping out my normally calm and cool demeanor like a Thai beach.

Sorry, I shouldn't be playing games with the disaster in Asia, but I think it too has really had an effect on my state of mind. I find the entire thing really scary and depressing. Did you know the planet actually wobbled on its axis because of the quake that caused all the big waves? It really puts things into perspective, as if I needed anything to tell me how insignificant I am, or rather we all are.

Whenever there’s a big disaster where tourists are involved, I always say the same thing. “If you want to stay safe, stay home.” Perhaps I have a touch of agoraphobia in addition to everything else.

On top of all this, there's a pretty good chance things are going to slow down for me on the work front. The next two months are looking particularly dry, which I'm finding especially discouraging. I've been used to working a lot every month and was finally starting to get just a little bit ahead financially. Now that this may not be the case, I'm going to have to review my plans for major purchases.

Yes, that means the car and maybe even the new computer.

I'm hoping I'm misreading the work situation, but I'm usually spot-on when I assess things like this. There's a reason why I'm usually safe to trust my own judgement. Though with feeling stressed, how sure can I really be?

I nearly made it to Mrs. Hippy's family's house, I got amazingly close, before I asked Mrs. H to drop me off at the nearest train station. I came back home to north London. I was a few hundred miles away, if you must know, but I had to come home.

I was worried about ruining everyone else’s holiday. When I’m down I can be a real downer, man. I could vibe-out an entire football stadium without really trying. It’s something I don’t like to do, I’d much rather hide away until it passes than inflict it on others.

Mrs. H was unbelievably cool about the whole thing, she could see how crazeeee I was. I am. I will be? All I know is I let her down and I let her family down.

But that's about right, since I have a lot of practice. I practiced on my own family. Practice makes perfect. I'm perfect at letting people close to me down. Today was another flawless performance.

I let my father down, he's gone now and he died thinking I couldn't be bothered to see him. I'm letting my mother down right now, as she is desperate for me to visit. I probably won't, I can't even make it as far away as I tried today. And I've let my younger (now estranged) brother down, but that's best left alone here.

I insisted Mrs. H visit her family without me, she was willing to turn the car around and head back to fabulous north London with me. Just because I ruined my own New Year's Eve, doesn't mean I had to ruin it for her, or her family as well.

Some of you might have had the misfortune to read an entry I wrote a couple of nights ago, which I have since deleted. It was quite dark and depressing, more so than this one even and I decided it wasn't something I wanted to leave on this page. It's the first time I've ever taken something down after posting it. Even this hippy can sometimes go too far.

Bet you never thought you'd read that in this blog!

Like every blue mood I've ever had, this current one will pass. It's been a good long while since I've felt this bad, I guess I was over-due. Perhaps this is getting it out of the way, so I can start 2005 in a more positive spirit.

My twisted logic has always allowed me to take comfort from things normal people would find depressing. At a tender young age, I figured out that in the scheme of the universe, I'm nothing and this realisation was like a freedom to me. I take similar comfort in not believing in an afterlife. Knowing that when I die, I'll just stop existing, as ultimately the inevitable release from this life will be welcomed.

I used to be obsessed with death. Not in a goth, all dressed in black, way, but I used to think about it a lot. Not just my death, which has never really frightened me, but the deaths of those closest to me were what I feared most. Specifically, I dreaded my father's death. Now that it's come to pass, I'm just I’m just numb. I closed down to the reality of it. I don’t know that I even grasp it now, nearly four months later.

I used to worry about my father's death endlessly, the fear it kept me from doing all sorts of things when I was younger. When I moved so far away from my parents, I lived in a dream world where I thought I would be able to be there for them when they needed me. I tried when my mother had her massive stroke. I managed it for a while, then I went a bit mad.

I went a bit mad because I realised I couldn't really do anything. The more I tried, the more they wanted, and no matter what I did, I couldn't ever meet their expectations. So I stopped trying. I haven't been back to see them since.

When my father was diagnosed with cancer, he asked me to visit. As his condition and outlook worsened, his requests became more plaintive to the point of begging. Did I go see him? Did I fuck, instead I stopped telephoning as frequently, to avoid the subject.

I was an ostrichhippy, with my head in the sand, I mourned and grieved before he was gone, to the point that when he did die, it was almost anti-climatic. I missed the opportunity to say good bye to my dad one last time, because I'm a selfish, immature cunt.

Someone had to say it, it might as well be me.

There's more to the story, of course, but they're just details, they don't change the broad strokes of the truth. I let people down. I let myself down. I've only got myself to blame.

Somehow, I keep going though. I don't know why, it doesn't matter why, I just do. I'll find something else to look forward to; next year has to be better than this year. This year? There's only around 25 hours left in 2004 as I write this latest helping of my special brand of drivel.

I think I've been enough of a downer for one night. Maybe I'll come back tomorrow and try to make sense out of 2004 and see if I can find anything to be positive about for 2005.

And here's where you can help! I'm 25 hits shy of my goal to have 1000 hits on this page before the end of the year. I only need one hit an hour until midnight to make my goal. I've never had that many hits in one day (sad I know), but its not impossible! So tell your friends, sent the hippylink to everyone in your contact file. Even if they'd hate me, every click counts! Don’t you want to see the hippy have one thing go right for a change?
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