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Sunday, January 30, 2005
How cool is this? I scored an exclusive interview with US president George W. Bush on Friday night. During the lengthy, free-wheeling discussion, I sought his thoughts and opinions on a wide range of subjects and issues. Some of his replies may surprise you, others may anger you.
I always thought it was difficult to interview presidents, but it turned out to be surprisingly simple. I’ve got my mini-disc hooked up and I’m about to start the transcription.
The northlondonhippy interview with George W. Bush – 28 January 2005
I dial the White House number, 00 1 202 xxx-xxxx. I’m connected to an automated voice mail system.
“Hello and welcome to the White House, if you know the extension of the person you wish to speak to, please dial it now.
For general inquires, please press 1
For a list faith-based initiatives, please press 2
To find out about White House tours, please press 3
To check on Dick Cheney’s heart condition, please press 4
For details on having your country bombed, please press 5
To report a suspected terrorist, please press 6
For an exclusive interview with President Bush, please press 7
To report a suspicious neighbour, please press 8
To hear this list of options again, please press 9
To speak to an operator, please press 0
I take a gamble and press lucky number 7:
George W. Bush: Hello, this is the president, how can I direct your call?
northlondonhippy: Mr. Bush? Really? I didn’t think it would be this easy to get you on the phone.
GWB: Hells bells, boy, I’m an accessible kind of guy. Who the hell are you?
nlh: I’m the northlondonhippy. I run a little website from my lair in fabulous north London. My readers would really appreciate it if I could interview you sir.
GWB: You mean on the internets, don’t you? Well that’s just fine and dandy with me, I’ve heard about the internets. Didn’t big Al Gore invent it?
nlh: So he says, sir, so he says. Do you surf yourself?
GWB: Surf? Hell no, boy. The secret service won’t even let me swim in the ocean; they’re never going to let me surf!
nlh: No, sir, I meant surfing the internet. Do you have any sites you enjoy?
GWB: Surf the internets? Isn’t that a bit dangerous, mixing water and computaters? I don’t know what they do in Eng-land, but here in America, we don’t have no waterproof computaters.
nlh: Surfing the net just means visiting websites. Oh, never mind, though if you’d like, I’d be happy to give you the address for my site. Perhaps you’d like to get down with the hippy?
GWB: I don’t like the sound of that, no thank you! I don’t really know how to surf the internets. Hell, boy, I don’t even read newspapers! I do like watching tv though.
nlh: Do you have a favourite programme?
GWB: Sure do, that CSI is very good, the way they catch those criminals just by finding a hair or something. Them sumbitches sure are smart. I also watch Jerry Falwell’s channel, he is one smart sumbitch too.
nlh: But Jerry Falwell is a religious extremist, he’s insane sir. Do you really believe what he says.
GWB: Every gosh-darn word. He gets a lot of his stuff from the bible and so do I. You know, God picked me to be president.
nlh: I thought Clarence Thomas did that.
GWB: Don’t be a fool, boy. God chose me to lead this great nation at this time of vast uncertainty. It takes a strong leader to govern in these troubled, trying times. The nation should thank God that I’m president now and not that weak willed, flip flopper, whats-his-name.
nlh: I think we’ll have to disagree on that one, sir.
GWB: Look you sumbitch, you can’t disagree with God. Do you want to end up in Gitmo with a hood over your head and 110 volts shooting through your testicles?
nlh: Is that what happens to anyone who disagrees with you, Mr. President?
GWB: It’s what happens when you disagree with God or me. I’m His representative on earth. Don’t they teach you anything in Eng-land?
nlh: You really believe that, don’t you?
GWB: Believe it? It’s gospel, boy. You don’t want to get on my wrong side!
nlh: OK. Let’s change the subject then. Iraqi’s are going to the polls on Sunday, even though the security situation is, shall we say, less than perfect. In that climate of fear and danger, do you think the election can be free and fair?
GWB: What kind of question is that! For years, the Iraqi people suffered under an evil dictator. For the first time, they can go to the polls and cast a genuine vote. We freed that nation, we’ve given them democracy. It’s a no brainer!
nlh: I wouldn’t dispute that, the invasion and occupation has been a real “no brainer”….
GWB: I see what you’re doin’ there, boy. Don’t turn my words on me. I don’t like that one bit. Freedom comes with a cost, boy, but in my book, no cost is too high. And I should know, we’re spending a gazillion dollars a day there right now.
nlh: But how can any election be viewed as “free and fair” if people are too frightened of being blown up to actually go out and vote.?
GWB: That’s not the point, whether people are too chicken to go out, the fact is they have the chance, the opportunity to go out and exercise their democratic right to vote is worth any cost. As long as there is just one Iraqi left alive to make it to a polling station, to cast their ballot, then we’ve succeeded and the terrorists have lost. We can’t let those evil-doers win!
nlh: The way it’s looking, there very well may only be one Iraqi left alive to vote. The expectation in the media is that election day is going to be a bloodbath. Would you agree with that?
GWB: We’re doing everything we can to insure the security of the Iraqi people, but if some dumb sumbitch wants to strap a bomb on and blow it up in a polling station, there’s very little we can do to stop him. A few more deaths are a small price to pay for freedom.
nlh: If you say so, sir. What do you say to an Iraq, who under Saddam might not have been able to speak freely, but could still walk up the road to buy a loaf of bread without the expectation of being blown to smithereens?
GWB: I’d say congratulations on your freedom and can’t you get someone else to buy your bread? Don’t the supermarkets in Baghdad deliver? They do in Crawford, dagnabbit and that’s just a tiny Texas town. Baghdad’s a big city, sure they must deliver.
nlh: What do you say to your critics who describe your Iraq policy as a complete failure? There were no “weapons of mass destruction”, you weren’t welcomed as liberators, the insurgency is far worse than anyone in your administration expected and the oil wells aren’t even pumping. How do your respond?
GWB: What critics? I want names and addresses of these heretics. We’ve got space in Gitmo, since we let those 4 Eng-landers out. Those sumbitches were bad news, we just couldn’t prove it.
My Iraq policy is a complete success, that’s not in dispute. The country is free now and that is all that matters. And you’re right, as an oil-man, I’m disappointed by the low output as well. I thought we’d be able to make back all of our costs, plus a little extra for me and my buddies. For our trouble.
nlh: Do you still eat pretzels, Mr. President?
GWB: I’m glad you asked me that, son. You’re talking about when I choked on one and knocked my noggin, aren’t you? I’d like to set the record straight about that, right now. This hasn’t come out yet, so I’m giving you an exclusive. I bet you didn’t expect that!
That pretzel, the one I choked on, well, it was an Al Qaeda pretzel, sent by the bad man, Osama Bin Laden. The CIA has proof, but we didn’t want to start a panic, it would be bad for business. The snack food industry are big contributors, don’t want to get them angry.
It was a terrorist pretzel, and it failed in its attempt to kill me. The evil doers and their pretzels don’t have a chance, they can’t win. I’ve got God on my side, the real God, not that false god they pray to. Amen and halleluiah, praise Jesus Christ, my saviour and step-brother!
nlh: The rumour in Washington at the time was that you were intoxicated, but that was denied by your spokespeople. Isn’t it a stretch of the imagination to think that Al Qaeda is recruiting salty snacks to fight their war against the west? You could be accused of trying to hide the truth with this rather elaborate and fanciful version of events.
GWB: Look, we’ve got intelligence, from some of the Gitmo detainees, solid, reliable intelligence that confirms this completely. It wasn’t easy, as you would expect, these men are trained to resist our questions. But let me tell you, after 72 hours or so of no sleep, regular beatings and the best of “Huey Lewis and the News” over and over and you’d tell us anything.
nlh: I find this use of torture quite questionable. Isn’t it one of the things you accused the former Iraqi regime of doing, yet your regime is using it too.
GWB: I don’t like you calling my administration a “regime” dagnabbit. You watch that tongue of yours boy, or I’ll get Cheney to cut it out. He’s one scary MF.
Look, we’re fighting a war that’s not like any other war, ever. War’s dirty business, sometimes you need to do things you don’t want to do. You’ve got to get your hands dirty, torture a few terrorists, and kill a few civilians. As long as we don’t lose, it’s all worth it.
nlh: Mr. Bush, one last question, would you like the URL to my blog?
GWB: I didn’t understand a word of that, boy. You trying to make me look like a fool?
nlh: You don’t need my help, sir, you’re doing fine without me. It’s the way to access my website, on the “internets”, in case you’d like to see what I’m all about. I’m the most shroomtastic stoner on the web, I’m the biggest internet celebrity you’ve never heard of. I’m an unashamed internet weirdo, I’m….
GWB: I get the idea, boy, and I didn’t understand any of it either. I’m not really interested in what you do and I have to be honest, I’d be surprised if anyone else is either.
nlh: Actually, sir, I’ve got legions of hippyfans, spread across the globe, hanging on my every word. 2005 is the year of the hippy!
GWB: Tell it to the hand, because the ears ain’t listening!
nlh: Mr. President, thank you very much for your time.
Wow. Even I’m impressed. The New York Times and the northlondonhippy all in one week! How lucky am I? How fucked is America? How fucked is the world? Jumpin’ Jesus, he’s crazier than me!
It really is election day in Iraq on Sunday, I’m hoping the body count won’t be too high. I’m not working tomorrow night, so I can keep an eye on things from home, just like a punter. How cool is that?
Please don’t forget about my shroomtasic contest, where you can win the chance to get off your face with me next Saturday. It’s not a joke, it’s not a lie, one lucky hippyfan will be partying with me next week. Would you like it to be you? Then click on the link at the top of this page!