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Monday, August 08, 2005

The very first drug I ever abused was alcohol.

I was around 13 or 14 years old, at a party at a friend’s house and we raided his parent’s liquor cabinet. We were quite clever about it, we took some from every bottle, so the levels went down around an inch per spirit. We mixed it up with some orange juice and took turns drinking it down until we were nice and pissed.

I have vague memories of us all running around outside, in my friend’s back yard. There was much laughing and giggling and at least one of us blew his cookies. No, it wasn’t me.

The strongest memory of that day was this:

One of the kids caught a toad and tried to make it explode by putting a lit cigarette in its mouth. When that didn’t work, he replaced it with a firecracker, which he lit in the toad’s mouth, then threw it up in the air. The toad exploded and showered the ground with blood and gore. Yuck.

No, I don’t advocate cruelty to animals. This hippy loves all creatures, especially the little piggies, because they taste so damn good! Kids are cruel to animals, it’s just the way of the world.

I probably drank more heavily and often between the ages of 14-19 than any other time in my life. Booze was controlled back then, just like it is now, yet we were still able to get some just about any night.

By far the easiest and cheapest way to get it, was as I described above. If your parents kept a well-stocked bar, it was easy to steal a little bit from every bottle and have it not be noticed. My friends and I did this so often that we began to call our concoctions “bug juice” because of the nasty green colour it would take on, when it was all mixed together. Creme de Menthe always insured that.

Drug abuse is normal and most kids go through this phase. If you don’t think alcohol is drug, you’re deluded. It’s actually one of the nastiest drugs around, but since it is legal, we just accept all the shitty side effects and the high cost society pays for it’s widespread abuse.

I would swap booze’s legality for smack any day. Smack’s far easier on the system, it’s only real draw back is it’s highly addictive nature.

Tobacco’s also very addictive and legal and it doesn’t even get you high. Damn, this world is ass-backwards.

I’m sick to death of my morality being legislated by the geekiest of the uncool. To be a politician today, means never having any fun. You stay sober, marry young, squirt out some kids and live a dull, purposeless life. Cool people don’t go into politics, they become full time hippies and media whores! Maybe that’s just me.

Big Bill Clinton was reasonably cool. He liked a good blow job and probably still does. He lied about smoking dope, or at least inhaling it, which was about as lame a cover story as could be!

I read an interview will Big Bill, not long after he left the big office. He was asked about legalising weed and do you know what he said? He said it would be a good thing!

Now why in the name of the mother of fuck didn’t he say this while he was in office and could do something about it? Simple: It’s too controversial!

What a load of shite!

Gimme my legal weed. Gimme my legal weed now! Gimme my goddamn legal weed right fucking NOW!!!

My mother had an expression, which I will paraphrase here and now. I’ve probably quoted her on this one before, but it’s so good I’ll do it again. Here it is:

“Wish in one hand, shit in the other. Then see which one gets filled first.”

Wise words, from a wise woman.

Of course, I wish that weed was legal. I also wish that informal social greetings from hot women involved casual oral sex. I wish for a lot of things. World peace would be nice too.

We’re a planet full of idiots. We’re all off to hell in a handbasket. Smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em kids.

Suppose, for the sake of my badly constructed argument that the planet earth went up in a puff of smoke tomorrow. Would it really make any difference to the fate and future of the universe? Of course it bloody wouldn’t!

Our insignificance is only dwarfed by our ability to ignore it. We think we’re so unique, so important. We’re not. We’re only part of the flora and fauna, which by the way, we are destroying at an alarming rate.

Believe it or not, but some day, in the future, the human race will cease to exist. Maybe in your lifetime, maybe in mine, maybe not for another 1000 years, but the day will come. And when it does, god will simply sigh and say “so fucking what?”

As if there’s a god! Don’t get me started. There’s better fairy stories than the bible to be had anyway.

You see, that’s my real problem. I’m completely godless. I have no faith, not in me, in you, in anything or anyone. I’m rarely disappointed though.

All I believe in is “the here and now”, and even with that I’m not so sure. Perhaps it’s all one big hallucination. Maybe I don’t exist. If only….!

I think, therefore I bore.

Christ, this is like vintage hippy, like back when I gave a shit and let my mind meander all over the place. From booze, to drugs, to politicians to the end of civilisation as we know it and the lack of a god-like figure running the universe, I’ve really been all over the place!

Did I:

- Make you laugh?
- Make you think?
- Make you wish you were a hippy too?

Great, then my work here is done.

Catch ya next time my beloved hippyfans and fuckers alike!
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