VISIT THE HIPPY'S NEW SITE: www.northlondonhippy.com Spend some time chilling out with the hippy...He used to be "the most shroomtastic stoner on the internet!" until the UK banned fresh magic mushrooms. He's still "the biggest internet celebrity you've never heard of!" He'll make you laugh, he'll make you think...he'll make you wish you were a hippy too!

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

It's the last day of August, can Christmas be far behind?

Think I'm being premature, think again! Within a fortnight I promise you will see xmas goods start appearing in your local super-dooper-markets. Just make sure you check the "use by" dates on those mince pies before you buy them!

I spent the bank holiday shroomed up, which is always a pleasant diversion. Not much to report, nothing too dramatic. Perhaps I need to finally switch to a different and stronger strain.

Only caught one new video of note, Mousse T's "Is it 'cos I'm Cool", which is a catchy pop tune and a stylish video as well. Watch out for it.

My other recent musical discoveries have been made on the radio, rather than on the music video channels. The northlondonhippy only does music video picks! I'm all modern like that.

I still haven't ordered any kratom, I'm not sure what's stopping me. Maybe I'll wait a little longer, when I have a better chance to experiment. Whatever that means. It's not the time yet.

I just called my parents, but I didn't really speak to them. Instead, I spoke to one of their home-helpers, the part-timer that visits in the mornings. I got loads of information, so much so that I don't think I have absorbed it all yet.

My dad is in the final stages. Since I spoke to him, less than 2 weeks ago, he has declined significantly. He's hardly eating, he's semi-conscious and he's not sleeping at night. I spoke to him very briefly, he was difficult to understand and mumbling. He said he was always tired.

The home-helper says he's receiving home hospice care. He's comfortable and not in any pain. They don't know how long he's got left, as he has already lasted longer than anyone expected. He hallucinates a bit and keeps trying to get out of bed. He took a minor fall over the weekend.

So much information, all so abstract, it's hard for me to really grasp what's going on. It makes me very sad. And guilty. There's still nothing I can do to help or change any of it.

My mother is on anti-depressives. She has not been coping with all this very well. She cries less now. It's better living through modern medicine. She understands that my father has come home to die. Somehow, having him home with her is making it easier as well.

They've been together for nearly 50 years. Taken within the context of that sort of length of time, the last 2 years of misery and ill health isn't really that bad. I'm glad they have each other.

Oh god, this is really depressing me. Spliff time. (And yes, I still need to score some, can you help?)

Sunday, August 29, 2004

I've been looking at other blogs today. I'll admit I've not really read that many, which is quite a large admission considering I've been writing this one for nearly six months.

Six months! Holy mother of fuck! I didn't think my attention span stretched that long.

At the top right of this page, you'll see a button that says "next blog" and that's exactly what it does, it points your browser at another, random blog. That's what I've done this morning, and I saw lots of other blogs.

Don't *you* click it now, at least not yet! You only just arrived...

Now there's loads out there, you could even say blogs are like assholes, everyone's got one. What I noticed is that most people have put more effort into theirs than I have on mine. Perhaps my underachieving nature extends to my online persona.

I'm lazy, but then as a hippy you would expect that of me. I'm using one of the cheap and nasty Blogger templates for this blog. It looks like hundreds of others you'll find online. Some people have put loads of work into making their blogs look unique. I've tried to make my words unique instead.

Or is that a cop out? I actually just dribble some words across the screen and click on "publish". Would a snazzier interface make my blog any more interesting? Or make it more readable? Would it bring in the punters?

The reading on my hit counter and my failed hippymobile give away lead me to believe that I don't have any punters. Even if I did, I have nothing to punt. except my soul.

The other thing I've been thinking about today is death.

Death is something that we all probably think about too much. I was obsessed with my fear of death as a teenager. I was afraid of my own, as well as the deaths of people close to me.

Now that I am on the wrong side of 40, I worry about my own more. I worry that my death will not be peaceful. I very much wish to die quietly in my sleep. When my time comes, of course. I'm in no rush to die right now.

There have been times where I would have welcomed death and wished I didn't exist. I don't feel that way today. Who knows about tomorrow?

I know about tomorrow, at least I mean the real tomorrow, the August bank holiday. I've got a date with some shrooms, so it's telephone off, music channels on, twisted thoughts to the fore. I'm gonna take a whacking big dose and not think about death all goddamn day.

Saturday, August 28, 2004

The contest is cancelled. No one wins the hippymobile!

It wasn't for a lack of trying, I gave it a good effort to give away my car, but it's still parked outside. Not for long, I'm going to have it disposed of by my local council. It's a shame, 'cause it still runs fine, everything in it works.

The insurance is up at noon on Sunday; I'm not paying to renew it. I won't be driving it again either. The MOT runs on Thursday, I'm not renewing that either.

My local north London newspaper has many ads for people who will pay cash for your car, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week - I phoned them all. None of them wanted the hippymobile. "Too old, mate", each replied in turn. Not me, my car. Well, maybe me too.

I'll sort it out on Tuesday and arrange to have the car removed. My council says they do it on 48 hours notice. I'll probably buy another one at the end of Sept or beginning of October. Something newer, safer, more reliable and smaller ideally.

So no yippppeeee for the hippy today, I haven't earned one. Not even a little one, so don't bother.

I also wussed out and didn't order any kratom. Not wussed, just forgot and by the time I remembered, it was too late to get it here by the weekend. I'll order some this week, as I am around and ready to party next weekend. The site I will use is this one. As you will see if you clicked on the link, they offer various strengths and quantities. Knowing me, I'll go for the strongest one, no reason why I should mess around with something lightweight if there is a more concentrated alternative. I'll probably just go with this: 6g Powdered High Alkaloid Premium Kratom (mitragyna speciosa), though I might consider a larger quantity, just in case I really like it!

Of course, I'll present a full trip report here when I do finally try some. I might even post it on EDIT as well.

I haven't really been that active on the EDIT forums in the last couple of months. I could blame working too much, but that wouldn't be accurate. Truth is, EDIT has been a bit overrun by underage kiddies from America. It's not my message board, so I am hardly in a position to dictate, but they should really tighten up on who can post there. All it is going to take is one little kiddie having a "bad drug experience" and telling mommy and daddy that they got the info to take the "bad drugs" from EDIT and watch them try to shut EDIT down!

I'm rambling and preaching, but you get the idea. EDIT was a good place for old stoners like me to exchange info, but with all the little kiddies, you have to sift through a lot of bullshit to get the decent posts. It's a shame as well, because they just relaunched EDIT's shop and forum with a brand new front-end interface, which looks quite good and is very easy to use. I'll stop pop into the EDIT forums now and again, but not as regularly as I used to do. Naturally, I'll still do my special shopping from EveryoneDoesIt (EDIT) as they have the best selection of goods at the best prices.

I was checking out the Urban75 website today, as they have a big drugs forum. I had to register to read anything, and it forced me, without my consent to become the northlondonhipp (sic) instead of alerting me that my screen name was too long. I'm not impressed with that shit, I can tell you that for nothing. I might need to register as n_londonhippy, since that is closer to who I am. And what I'm all about, of course. Who knows, perhaps the "internet's most shroomtastic stoner" is just what they need on the Urban75 boards with my unique perspectives on all things drug. Or not.

It's crunch week for the hippy this week, I need to score some weed wicked-bad or I will not have any. Dum-dum-dummmmmmmmm. It's a long and tragic tale which I will spare you all, but I have no direct (or indirect) way to reach my usual contact. That's the way it goes sometimes. I'm really stuffed.

If you're in London and you know where I can get some quality spliff, get in touch. North London is of course a plus, I'll be regular, I'll be a prolific shopper, your dealer will thank you for introducing me to them! So will I!

No yipppeees for the hippy until I have at least an ounce of decent skunky bud tucked away! Maybe even two! Ounces, not yippppeees.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Back again?

Yes, twice on the same calendar day...! I can't remember the last time I did that.

Newsflash: The hippy is in a very good mood this morning. If you've read any of this blog, you might gather that this is very rare indeed.

I'm just happy I've got some time off. I'm happy I'll be able to catch up on my sleep. This will be the longest I've been off in the last 3 months, 8 whole days. One phone call could change all that, let's hope no one rings...

I'm making one of my infamous lists of things I need to do over the next week and even that's not bringing me down. It should, since doing my taxes features right at the top, but it's not.

I was a bit later than usual leaving work, which meant the traffic was a lot heavier than I'm used on my way home, but at least it wasn't raining. Actually, the sun was shining brightly but my RayBans were doing their job.

I was in such an up mood that I drove all the way home and parked my car before I realised I was suppose to visit the supermarket this morning. It's no big deal, there was nothing I needed urgently, it just shows how "de-mob" happy I am.

Go on, give us a little yipppeeee, just for the hippy!
Can I get a extra-special yippeeee for the hippy...? Of course I can!

And why this sudden burst of enthusiasm? Simple: Tonight is my last working night of the summer, I'm not back again until September.

I had one simple goal this summer, to work as much and as hard as I could and that's exactly what I've done. I've worked like a dog for the last 3 months and now I can reap the rewards. High on my list of purchases and expenditures in the short term include a new PC, a new(er) car and a hair transplant.

Ok, I lied about the hair transplant, but the car and the PC are dead certs.

I'm actually feeling professionally pleased with myself having achieved something for a change. My bank account and I are back on speaking terms and I'm in far less debt than I have been in ages. How about another yippppeee?

The next 2 months are looking considerably lighter on a the work front, and that's perfectly ok with me. Don't get me wrong, if there's a chance to do more, I'm enough of a whore that'll I'll do it, I just don't feel as pressured. Oh and the pressure, that was all from me as anyway.

When I finish this morning and walk out the door, I've got about 8 days off. The plan is to sort out loads of real life bullshit that I have been neglecting lately. Like doing my taxes from last year, getting to the dentist and dealing with my car.

Ahh, the hippymobile, the prize in the contest that isn't. Not one single entry. Not one. You all suck. I can't believe there isn't one person out there who wouldn't benefit from a free car in perfect running order...!

Well, the car will be gone soon, one way or another. Don't say I didn't try to give it to *you*. I'll still accept late entries though, so if you thought about entering there is still time. Once the car is gone, I'll take the contest page offline, so if the link is still there, you can still send me that winning email! Go on, you know you wanna...

One of my drug websites is selling proper, tested and verified Kratom now. They have anything from plain unprocessed leaf right up to extract powders and extra-strong stuff. Yes, I'm going to give it a try. I'll order some when I get home this morning. I'd order it now, as well as share the link with you, but I don't have the URL with me. All the cool kids are taking it these days, so its high time I did too.

I think Thursday is hippy party day, though it is unlikely that I'll have it by then, so I might have indulge in some of my special brain medicine instead.

My SBM has been sitting around for a couple of months now. I've been naughty and haven't stored it in the deep-freeze, so there is a chance the potency has declined. I think I'll have to take an extra-big dose then, just to be sure.

Perhaps next month I'll make up some more, if I can get a hold of some Copelandia Cyanescens, otherwise known as Hawaiians, which are touted as a very strong strain of shroom. No rush, but soon, very soon.

I've actually got to deal with some work stuff now, so I'll bid you adieu until next time. Oh go on, just one more little yipppeee for the hippy...

I can't hear you!

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Good morning.

Yes, I'm at work and yes, I'm more than a bit bored. That's ok, I'm being paid to be bored. And stay awake, consciousness counts as well.

Life is ok actually. I guess.

My father was discharged from hospital last week, he's home now. I was pleasantly surprised to discover this when he phoned me on Thursday. He sounded much better than the last time I spoke to him, some 6 weeks ago.

The fact is I've written him off more than once in the last 6 months, but he seems to keep going. He's wheel-chair bound, he can't walk. I don't know if this is down to his general health or if the cancer has effected his spinal column.

I didn't ask many questions, hardly any actually. I wasn't really sure what to say to him. My guilt continues to grow, much like his tumour. The pessimist in me thinks he's probably come home to die. I don't know how much time he's got left, neither does he I'd bet. He sounded better than I would have suspected.

My mother, on the other hand, sounded worse. I spoke to her as well and hardly got anything she said, less than 10% was understandable. It's frustrating to say the least.

I haven't spoken to my younger brother for quite a while now. I have no news whatsoever on him. I hope he is ok, but I just don't know. I don't even know if he has been in contact with my parents. Thankfully they have not asked me about him. I wouldn't know what to say if they did.

I expect they will enquire after him at some point. I guess I'll just tell the truth if they do. I'm not sure what the truth is exactly. I guess I'll tell them he's decided not to speak to me any more and leave it at that.

They'll ask why. I don't know why. As I've mentioned before, I never ask "why" about anything. Let's hope they don't ask me anything.

I don't know what to think about any of this, especially the news about my father. As long as he is not in any pain or suffering, it's a good thing he is still around.

Even though I'm so far away, geographically and otherwise, I still love all three of them very much and hope they are all alright.

This is not the time to get tearful, sitting in a room full of people I hardly know, so I should change the subject.

When I finish this run of nights on Tuesday morning, I've got about a week off. Sounds like I'll have time to get some proper rest as well as do some much needed shrooming. I've also got to score some dope, which is actually becoming a more pressing issue than I wish it was. My usual contact is out of reach (long story), so I need to hook up with someone new and helpful.

You can read about my last little draught here. It's an amusing story, but not a situation I wanted to repeat. Hopefully something cool will happen this week, or your friendly neighbourhood hippy might have to spend a day stone-cold sober! Fuck no, we can't let that happen!

Perhaps I should get some of that kratom stuff. It sounds like it could be good fun.

I've got to sort out my taxes from 2003 this week as well. Yawn. Double-yawn. I hate bureaucracy with a passion, but these things need to be done.

And I've also got to do something about my car. The insurance and MOT are up at the end of the month and I have no intention of renewing either. It's sell it or give it away time. It's a bummer actually, because I've been using it more lately, especially for getting to work. Once it's gone, I'm going to replace it, I think.

That's it from me for now. As always, thank *you* for reading my blog.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

It's too early to be blogging and yet, here I am, logged in and ready to rock.

I woke up at 6am this morning, my body clock is starting to resemble one of those crazy clocks you see in films that spin rapidly to show the passage of time. I went to sleep before 11pm last night, so I had something like 7 hours sleep, which should be enough, but I still feel tired.

I didn't really grasp how much work I am doing this month until now. It's all grouped to closely together this month, and not spread out as well as it could be. That is one of the hazards of being a freelance media whore. C'est la vie.

I'm not complaining, because too much work is still much better than not enough or even no work at all. Trust me on that one. It's quite nice to have a bit of money in the bank for a change.

I've got about 2 weeks left to decide what to do about my car. No one seems to want it, even for free. I've actually been using it a lot lately to go back and forth to work, so there is a temptation to just keep it. There is an even greater temptation to trade it in on something a little newer, or perhaps a quick sale with a view to buying another one soon. I just don't know. I have to make my mind up soon, since the MOT and insurance are due at the end of the month as well.

I'm still up for giving it away to a lucky winner from the net, but you all don't believe the offer, or can't be bothered to enter. What I need to do is try one last push at promoting the contest. Can I really be bothered? Time is running out.

I've got some business this morning that requires my attention, so I'll again keep this brief. There's so much I could be writing about, instead of prattling on about nothing. Well, the car is not “nothing”; it could be yours if you click on the link on the top right of this page!

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Dysfunctional is the new normal.

It's normal to be dysfunctional. Just look around you. The nuclear family dead and buried, working a traditional job is fading fast, even the weather's not the same any more. Everything's changing and it's not for the better.

I bet you're dysfunctional and you don't even realise it. Don't worry, I more than realise my dysfunctionality, I live it 24/7, so point no fingers at me. No way am I normal.

There is no more normal. They'll try to fool us that it still exists, but it has vanished, gone without a trace. Listen to the politicians and you would think family values and social responsibility still count; trust me, you can't count what you can't see.

Ok, I'll stop myself right there. This was suppose to be a focused essay, when I had the idea to write this, a few days ago, it seemed like a good idea. When it was fresh in my mind, it was, but now I am anything but focused.

I'm over-tired. I'm over-worked. I'm over-board, throw me a lifeline.

I think all my family shit is really doing my fucking head right in. I need stronger drugs, got any to send me?

I need some rest, I need to relax, I need to chill right the fuck out. Somehow I don't see that happening any time soon.

There's not even time for a little shrooming this week. Maybe next week, if I'm lucky. Maybe shrooms aren't enough. Perhaps kratom.

Perhaps not. I read a few trip reports on EROWID.ORG earlier this week, some made it sound fantastic, others made it sound a bit scary. Overall it sounds like fun, but there were also warnings that a lot of what is being sold as kratom is not the real thing. That's what concerned me. You need to make sure what you're getting is the real deal, especially if you are going for the powdered extract, which was what I was thinking of sampling. I don't have to decide today.

I'm rapidly running out of steam. This did not shape up to be the entry I was hoping for, but I should know by now that nothing ever meets my expectations.

Oh hippy, do fuck off.

Monday, August 16, 2004

I'm still tired.

I had over 6 hours of sleep on Sunday, but I don't feel better for it. I woke up heavy-headed and late, but could have just as easily rolled over and gone back to sleep for another 8 hours. When I finish on Tuesday morning, I am going to crash until Weds. I really need the rest.

I'm thinking I need to check out Kratom soon. It's a legal stimulant that comes from Asia, I think it is made of tree bark. At small doses it is suppose to be speedy, but at the higher doses it is suppose to be very euphoric and mellow. I'll go for a large dose thanks. According to the the Guardian last week, herbal highs are getting more and more popular. Here, you can see for yourself.

I've not tried it yet myself, though I think it is something I should check out very soon. Look, I found a user guide that you can check out too.

I've read good reports about Kratom, and I'll write my own once I've tried some.

Yawn, I really need to wake-up. I'll be on my way home in less than 4 hours, I can hear my pillows crying out "hippy, hippy, hippy".

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Dum dee dum.

The hippy's in a holding pattern, life is just ticking along. I'm waiting for something to happen... anything to happen. It probably will.

It's Sunday morning, really fucking early. I'm at work, which is where I seem to be more nights than not. This is a good thing, just ask my bank account.

You really learn to appreciate your paycheck when you go a while without one. I like making money, I just wish I could think of way to keep making it without working quite so much. Winning the lottery would sure do me, but it seems the only people who win are convicted criminals. Perhaps that's too much of a sweeping generalisation, but you get the idea.

I don't know why I logged into Blogger tonight. I guess it is a combination of boredom and the desire to stay up to date online. There's plenty I could be saying, but I'm just not motivated. Laziness is a hippy trait and I am feeling very much like a hippy tonight.

I'm tired, really tired tonight. I didn't get enough sleep on Saturday and I've already worked quite a bit this week. I know I am over-doing it, but I need the money, which means I'm saying "yes" to every bit of work offered. Greed is not always good. Well, it sort of is, if you are Gordon Gecko.

I'm very busy this week, which means limited opportunities for fun. I'm working tonight and 2 more after that, then I have some social plans on Weds, followed by a 1/2 work committment on Thursday, then back to work in Friday night. I don't have a single day off for all practical purposes until a week from this Weds.

If I think I am tired now, just wait till next week, I'll be spent.

I'll try to have something more interesting to say next time, tonight I'm struggling to keep my eyes open.


Thursday, August 12, 2004

Can I get a yippie for the hippy?

I can't hear you!

Maybe 'cause I'm in north London and you're not. Actually, I'm not home right now, I'm at work, where I seem to be doing most of my blogging these days. I'm still not making as many entries as I would like, but that comes down to a lack of free time and a bigger lack of anything to say.

The truth is my life is pretty dull at the moment; its all work and sleep and fuck-all else.

I was chatting with one of my colleagues the other night and she was talking about her hobby, which is steam trains. She said she enjoys travelling on them, as well as having model sets. She then asked me what my hobbies are...

My standard answer is normally "hard drugs, hookers and handguns", but it didn't seem like the right answer when chatting with a woman approaching retirement age who thinks I'm a respectable kinda guy. I didn't know what to say.

I watch a lot of tv, read loads, surf the net continually. I guess the media is my hobby as well as my trade. I'm a media junkie really.

Of course, I could have told her I'm "the most shroomtastic stoner on the internet", but something tells me it wouldn't have gone over very well . I'm determined to keep my identity a secret anyway, so I wouldn't have said that out loud either. No one knows I'm the hippy and hopefully it will remain that way for a long time to come.

I'd still like to think of ways of promoting this site and I have a couple I'll be acting on in the next few days. Just because I wish to remain anonymous doesn't mean I don't want a little bit of attention. I'm so invisible in my real life anyway, a little online popularity wouldn't be so bad.

If I wasn't so short, fat and bald, well, I'd be trying to become a total media whore, but for now, I'll just lurk from behind my PC.

And remember, you can still win the hippymobile, details can be found on the top of this page. I'm waiting for *your* entry right now!

Monday, August 09, 2004

Same shit, different day.

I'm at work, a bit bored and ready to blog. This won't be a long entry, because I don't have much to say tonight.

I've finally added a hit counter to this page, so I'll know if and when I get any visitors. I stuck it on the page on Sunday 8 August and started it from zero. Let's see how many people drop by. I think they call it "page impressions".

I'm not holding much hope for a flood of new visitors. There are so many blogs out there to choose from, no wonder mine is not getting much attention.

I'm still ready to give my car away to one lucky reader. This is my big promotional idea, which so far is kind of a flop. So if you are in the UK and would like a car, completely free, check out the link at the top of the page and send me your entry.

If I don't give the car away, I'm not sure what I will do with it. Charge people a fiver a swing with a baseball bat maybe. That's usually done for charity, so maybe not.

The rain has just started. They have been telling us about heavy rain and wind for days, well it has finally arrived here in London. It's a big storm, the remnants of hurricane Alex, which formed in the southern Atlantic last week. Hopefully it will cool things off a bit - it's still hotter than hell here. It would be nice if it did, I am finding it nearly impossible to get any deep sleep because of the weather.

God, I'm tired tonight. It doesn't help not having much to do, I could use something to take up time, like some real work. Be careful what you wish for! You just might get it!!

That's it for now, keep an eye on that "hit-counter", I'm sure it will be hitting those double digits in the next 6 months!

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Yep, it's me. Who were you expecting?

The hippy's at work, it's the middle of the night, again. There's not a lot to do, which is why I have the time to do a spot of blogging.

I'm a bit down tonight, more than a bit really. I'd say I'm bordering on slightly depressed actually.

I've been avoiding personal subjects here for the last month or so, family stuff especially. The truth is, I don't really have a family anymore. There, I said it.

My parents are a lost cause, my father is barely hanging on, my mother is impossible to understand. It was my dad's birthday a few days ago, I didn't even telephone. What's the point of saying "happy birthday" when happiness is not on the agenda?

I didn't phone my mother this week either. The last time I spoke to her, she was just too upset and I hardly understood anything she said. I know I've gone on (and on) about how I'm letting them down, but that doesn't make it any easier. Right now, I don't even know if I will ever phone them again. My mother can call me if she wants, but I don't see any point in initiating any more conversation.

It's really doing my head in. I haven't spoken to my dad since father's day, and that was a 15 second conversation. My mother just cries. I'm scum.

I've also lost my younger brother this month. He's cut me out of his life, without explanation. I've not written much about him in the past and I'm treading lightly around the subject now. Our last conversation was just over a month ago.

I'm not going to give you his life story, that's down to him to do. He hasn't had an easy life. He has problems, both physical and mental. About 5 years ago, he spent several months in the hospital being treated. He was lucky to survive.

I don't know exactly what's going on with him, but I think he is either on the verge, or in the middle of some kind of break-down. The last time he was ill, I was there for him in every possible way. When he was released from the hospital, he even stayed with me and Mrs. Hippy for a month.

I'm not saying I'm some kind of hero, but I helped him as best I could. He even said that if it wasn't for me, he probably would not have survived.

He's gone now too. He doesn't want anything to do with me. Of course, I'm hurt by this, but what can I do? This came totally out of the blue, it was unexpected as something like this can be. He's in serious decline, that much can't be denied, but there is sweet fuck-all I can do about.

So there you have it, three members of my immediate family, all out of my grasp. They are all as good as dead for all practical purposes. Thank god I've still got Mrs. Hippy, or I would be totally alone.

I'm also down because Big Brother has finished. I know, I know, that sounds ridiculous, but I am always a bit low at the end of a BB series. I guess this shows you how empty my life really is. I didn't particularly like any of the contestants that much, but I still miss their presence in the house.

I think the BB format is great, it's as pure as tv gets. The producers got it right this year, the right balance of housemates, the right tone, everything about this series was spot-on.

It was touching to see how emotional Nadia was at winning. I could care less that she is a transexual, but she wasn't my favourite HM. None of them were actually, so it didn't matter to me who won it. This is the first year I didn't cast a single vote.

If it was up to me, I would lock them all in house and just keep them there, all the time. Then there would always be something to watch, or read about online.

So there you have it, I'm depressed about my family, and I am depressed about BB finishing. How can I even compare the two? I'm not sure myself, but I know how I feel. Certainly I miss my family in a deeper, more personal way than I miss Big Brother. Comparing the two is actually quite trite of me, but it's where I'm at right now. I feel pretty empty really, hollow, like a void, a deep chasm.

There's nothing I can do about any of it. I can't help my parents or my brother any more than I could convince the BB HMs to move back into the house. I'm helpless and hopeless and lost in my own bullshit.

I wish I could fix it all, I wish I could make it all better. But I can't, so I'll just soldier on as best I can. What else can I do?

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Dear radio station DJs,

Please stop playing "Hot in the City", "(feeling) Hot, Hot, Hot" and "(hot town) Summer in the City (back of my neck gettin' dirt and gritty), I've had enough.

We all know it is hot out already, because its hot inside too! If some kind reader would like to loan or donate a couple of self-contained room air-conditioning units, I'd happily give them a new home. Not the reader, the aircon units!

I should just go out and try to buy one, or two, but it's too damn hot and I am too damn lazy. I don't feel like doing anything.

Though that hasn't stopped me from running some errands early this morning at my local high street and doing a few things around the house as well. I've even held a few things back to do tomorrow morning, which if I finish them in time, would clear the way for an afternoon of shroomtastic hippy fun. Go hippy!

No one picked up my my press release. I guess it's true what they say about the media monopolies, if you are not connected to them, no one pays attention.

But here's the thing! I am connected; I just can't use those connections to promote this blog. I like the fact that my personal life, my professional life and my secret online life are all separate and I plan on keeping it that way. I'll come up with some way to get the word out about the "win the hippymobile" contest eventually.

Soon actually, I need to do it soon. The contest ends at the end of this month, someone HAS to win my car, dammit!

That someone could be you, for more details, there's a link on the top right of this page, all you need to know is right there, you can't miss it. Go on, enter, you could really win my ride!

It’s too hot to sit here and type anymore. I think my next house should have its own swimming pool.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Question everything.

You should wonder why you are here. You’ll never get an answer you can trust or believe though.

That gets kind of dull after a while. You'll never know any of these things, not really. We know nothing. We look around at our world and treat it like it is here just for us. We don't see the bigger picture.

We don't see it, because we can't make sense of it. How can you put your own existence into some sort of context, when you can't comprehend what that context is?

We don't get it, we never will. Whatever guesses we have, from science to the Bible, don't tell us anything. They’re probably all wrong anyway.

The day we stood upright and grasped the concept of "me", we were doomed. I think it was Descartes who first said "I think, therefore I am". The hippy says, "I think, therefore I am confused".

We are equipped with the ability to ask the right questions, but not to obtain sensible, empirically correct answers. This is where faith comes into play.

If you're like me, you have no faith, not in man, not in nature and certainly not in "god".

You're probably nothing like me. Lucky you.

What does that leave? Not a lot. You accept your existence, because there you are, living and breathing. You accept the world because you can't change it, you try to fit in with society.

An organism is just a collection of cells, working together to form a whole. A society is a collection of organisms living together but not always working together. Think of the misery in the world, the floods, famines, the wars, and poverty. Consider the rank stupidity and hubris that is "man". We still don't get it.

I'm the last one to preach Gaia theory, but perhaps they have a point. The planet is a living organism and we are merely a part of it. What Gaia misses out on is the role we play.

We are an infection, a virus, a foreign bacteria, feeding on the host. We are extracting all the nutrients and strength we can from our host, till there is nothing left. No antibiotic will cure this disease.

Ok, that's a bit bleak, but hey, its a thought.

We just don't know. Why are we here? In the vastness of the known universe, why did life appear? Are we an advanced life form?

We think so, because all we have to compare ourselves to are other animals on this planet. Who knows, maybe we in the scheme of the universe, we would be viewed as quite lowly creatures, not evolved very much at all. The universe is nearly infinite, so chances are that other, more superior life forms might have popped up elsewhere.

But what if we are it? What if we are the best the universe can do? What if we are the most advanced, developed beings in existence anywhere, ever? No, that can't be right, but what if it was? What would it mean?

That we haven’t finished yet. We've still got a long evolutionary road to travel. We need to lose our cruelty, our violent nature, and our ability to ignore the awful plight suffered by much of our fellow inhabitants of this silly planet. No civilised society could look itself in the mirror with any self-respect, if it allowed even one of its numbers to go without. Millions around the world have nothing and we do nothing and we are all OK with that.

Or maybe we need not to evolve, but to de-evolve. In the novel "Galapagos", Kurt Vonnegut speculated that we would be a lot happier if we de-evolved. In the book, over time, “man” turned into seal-like creatures who couldn't fathom wondering if "I think, therefore I am” and were much better for it.

Whatever happens, I will go to my grave never knowing the answers to the most fundamental and basic questions that torment me. Perhaps by some huge miracle, all is revealed in some fantasy version of an afterlife, but somehow I doubt it. The world is what it is, you need to take it as you find it or leave it.

I'll take it for now, but not forever. As long as I'm having a laugh, I think I'll stick around. Yeah, hippy you seem like a real barrel of laughs.

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